Do you believe God believes in you? January 16, 2008

Do you believe God believes in you?

2007 rang “This is your life. Are you who you want to be?” in my ears everyday, but a few more words that anchored me are “Make peace with God and make peace with yourself.” So this year I’m making peace with the caos. For those who don’t know or understand my last 12 months, here’s the breakdown of some strange and unusual circumstances. I had to deal with some stuff over my mom, I found a breast lump and have no insurance and had to have a biopsy (which luckily turned out great and fine) and the struggle between Brian and I was worse over the holidays. So as the year was quickly approaching the end, everything I felt that I had worked so hard for, all those late nights for, and sacrificed my time with my kids for was all for nothing now.
However, a tiny bit of hope lay on my pillow as I cried to myself late Monday night. I felt these words in my heart: let it all go.

Now only 3 times in my life have I ever truely known God has spoken to me in words. Once when I was on my knees as a teenager and wanted to end my life: I cried, screamed, and begged for comfort and before I even had the chance to do it, I felt this blanket on me. There was no one else there, but I knew God was. The 2nd time I knew it was God talking to me was 7 years ago when I went to church with my new husband (at the time), and I felt like I was being pushed out of the pew (awkwardly looking around to see who it was) and I heard him say ‘Come.’ The 3rd time I knew God was speaking to me was as I was trying to sleep in my bed Monday night thinking about Pastor Randy’s sermon on Sunday morning. One thing that just stuck out in my mind was Peter did’nt believe in himself enough to walk on the water, he cried out to Jesus to save him instead of walking with him. So as I can see all the waves crashing at my feet and the storms are heavy and the rain is falling hard. I heard God say to me “Let go!”
I’m letting go.
I’m letting go.
I never make new years resolutions because I can’t keep them and because I generally think it’s for people who think starting over is a challenge that doesn’t necessarily have to be accomplished depending on their daily mood. But I have to let go of the resentment, the hate, the fear, the finances and the pure fact that this is not my battle anymore. God is in control and I have LET GO!
So I made peace with my heart.
I made peace with my body.
I made peace with my marriage, my husband, and my anger against him.
I made peace with the past.
I made peace with God.
I let go.
As I put all this into context and think about the last year, I can’t beleive I’m right here, where I sit, I still have a roof over my head, I still have 2 beautiful girls, and though it’s not perfect, there is still someone to come home to. So many have nothing, nothing at all, I don’t want it all, I just want what I have. This was the most exhilerating experience of my life. I feel like I could run a marathon (though I probably won’t, that’s pushing it). We need some help still in our marriage, and I know prayers are always asked for, but I never have taken the time to thank those who have taken the time to put in an extra line in their daily devotions for me. So thank you, dearly, thank you.
As far as work goes, I know I can’t do it all. I’m taking it all in stride, and comes what may. The best yet is since Tuesday I have booked 3 Weddings for this year!!! July 12th, 20th and September 13th are all on the books, it’s super exciting. I know God had his hand in that, as well as all my life, isn’t it wonderful!!

“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11